Sex and the Single Person

 

EXCERPTED FROM…

THE PURITY WAR: A BIBLICAL GUIDE TO LIVING IN AN IMMORAL WORLD

Too many persons have managed a beautifully whole existence without sexual intercourse to let us suppose that only nonvirgins need apply for full humanity. And too many unwhole and distorted people have jumped into almost any available bed to let us suppose that sexual intercourse is a magic carpet to personhood. Lewis Smedes 1

WHY DIDN’T GOD GIVE US AN ‘ON-OFF’ SWITCH?

During my seminary years in Southern California, my wife and I had the privilege of ministering to a wonderful group of about 400 career-age singles. Those were some of the most precious years of our early ministry. They were also some of the most challenging. The questions these single men and women asked put my newly-developing shepherd’s heart to the test:

• “Why does our loving God allow single people to have such an intense sexual drive?”
• “Why didn’t God give us an ‘on-off’ switch that can be activated when we get married or turned off if we remain single?”
• “I was once married. How do I deal with all my sexual memories?”
• “I believe the Lord has called me to be single. What do I do about my sexual feelings and impulses?”

In his book, Sins Of The Body: Ministry In A Sexual Society, Terry Muck comments on Mark Twain’s observation about sex: “Mark Twain railed against God for parceling out to each human a source of universal joy and pleasure, at its peak in teenage years, then forbidding it until marriage and restricting it to one partner.”2

The fact that we now reach puberty much earlier and get married much later makes being single much harder. The challenges are even greater for the higher number of divorcees and substantial number of widows and widowers. These precious folks now battle with sexual desires that they once righteously fulfilled in marriage. Single people’s sexual feelings matter greatly to our loving heavenly Father. He has not left us in the dark as to how to deal with them.

GOD’S ALARM SYSTEM FOR SINGLES

We have a very loud security alarm system in our home that warns us of intruders. When our girls were single, it also served as a very handy curfew monitor. At least, that’s what I thought. After she was married, one of my daughters admitted to knowing how to by-pass the alarm and slip back into the house unnoticed. She and her husband enjoy making me guess how many times they violated curfew. She says only once; he just laughs. The alarm is now fixed, ready for our grandchildren.

Almighty God has a built-in alarm system for singles, a monitor we call the sex drive, that desire for oneness. Unless He replaces it with a special calling to be single, God designed most of us with a desire for an intimate partner, especially expressed in the covenant of marriage:

It is not good for the man to be alone;
I will make him a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18).

He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

A SEVEN ALARM FIRE

Single people, when you begin to feel that God-given urge for sexual union, when those passions flame up, God is sounding some life-saving fire alarms in your heart. Don’t run from them or ignore them. Certainly don’t try to bypass them. They are there for your protection.

ALARM #1 — God is calling you to walk in oneness with him.

Blaise Pascal, the seventeenth-century French philosopher is well- known for his statement that every one of us is born with a God-shaped vacuum. In his Confessions, written in the late fourth century, Augustine cried out in praise to the Lord: “The thought of you stirs [man] so deeply that he cannot be content unless he praises you, because you made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace until they rest in you” (The Confessions of St. Augustine 1.1). The Lord has built us with a desire for intimacy with Him. It is a relationship that is made possible through His Son, Jesus Christ.

The first response when your passion for oneness is stimulated is to be certain that you have trusted in Jesus Christ alone for your salvation and are enjoying a personal relationship with your heavenly Father:

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent ( John 17:3).

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 5:1).

Jesus told us we will all be single in heaven (Matthew 22:28-30). There, face to face in intimate fellowship with Him, singleness tops marriage! Intimacy with Him surpasses intimacy with any human being here or there. Therefore, as a born-again child of God you can now let the fires of sexual passion stir you to walk in the Spirit and manifest the fruit of the Spirit and not the deeds of the flesh (Galatians 5:16-23). You can let them motivate you to, “Be still” and know that He is God, your heavenly Father. (Psalm 46:10). You can let the heat of the moment become the fire of passion that opens your heart to Him. You can let your songs of praise flow from your lips.

A widow was expressing to me, her pastor, how a recent devotional time with the Lord had been especially rich and meaningful. It was a conversation I would fully expect from this godly woman. She very carefully whispered, “Pastor, I don’t know how to say this any other way. That time of worship with God made me feel the way I felt when I was sexually intimate with my husband!”

ALARM #2 – God is calling you to walk in oneness with fellow Christians.

Many years ago I read one of the most indicting observations about my fellow members of the body of Christ. This non-Christian man, quoting what he declared to be the words of Mahatma Gandhi, suggested that if you persecute Christians, they’ll unite. Leave them alone and they’ll die fighting among themselves. Though sadly true to some degree, this is quite contrary to God’s intention and design for Christ’s church:

The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me (John 17:22-23).

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling ; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all (Ephesians 4:1-6).

Beloved singles, when those sexual feelings kick in, consider them as another reminder to walk in godly unity with your fellow Christians. Let that inward passion stir you to treat others as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:3). Let it push you to assemble with God’s people as you stimulate them to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24-25). Let that drive for oneness lead you to take special care of the unlovely and unlovable people in your midst (1 Corinthians 12:20-26). When you do, you will be amazed at the deep and abiding fulfillment you will feel.

ALARM #3 – God is calling you to pray regarding your marital future.

Marriage is not fundamentally a matter of one’s personal choice; it really is a matter of God’s calling. God calls some to be single; others to be married. Both conditions are equally precious in the sight of the Lord. To those called to be single, the apostle Paul writes that “it is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Corinthians 7:1). To those called to be married, he exhorts “each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2).

Most scholars believe that at the time of his writing of his epistles the apostle Paul was not married. Whether he was never married, a widower or a divorcee rejected by an unbelieving spouse remains a matter of debate. However, what he wrote to his fellow singles moves us from the academic to the personal:

Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I (1 Corinthians 7:7-8).

Single people, when the passion alarm sounds, don’t ignore it. See it as God drawing your attention to pray for His will regarding whether you are to marry or remain single. In those moments of increasing sexual passion pray for the strength to honor the Lord in your singleness. Pray also for your future spouse and for the maturity you will need to be a responsible, caring marriage partner. In other words, P.U.S.H.—Pray Until Something Happens!

If you feel that your God-given desire for sexual union cannot be fully satisfied in singleness, then God may be calling you to get married. Either way, married or single, can be God’s best for you as long as you follow His will and not your own. That, of course, means marrying someone who is also a born-again believer (2 Corinthians 6:14. Also read 1 Corinthians 7:39 where “in the Lord” refers to a fellow believer). In the words of Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, “A bird may love a fish, but where will they build their home together?” When God does call you to marry, He also will expect that you find a spouse His way, which is “in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5).

ALARM #4 – God is calling you to learn self-control.

I define maturity, at least in part, as the ability to delay gratification. Mature people wait; immature people don’t. Our graveyards are filled with people who were in a hurry to get somewhere and were killed while speeding. Our prisons are packed with murderers who couldn’t wait to see certain people dead. If they just had a little self-control, nature would have eventually done the job for them. Our bankruptcy courts are jammed with people who didn’t have the self-discipline to save the money. Instead, they charged, leveraged, or borrowed themselves into financial ruin.

In this “hook up” culture, too many singles have bought the lie that waiting until marriage for sexual intimacy serves no purpose. Many prefer “casual friendships with benefits.” The world has convinced them that it is possible to have instant casual sex, devoid of intimacy and commitment, only to have them realize there is no lasting joy in this kind of culture of disconnection. Too many have paid the heavy price for their impulsive immaturity and have suffered the long-term physical, emotional, and spiritual consequences brought on by their lack of self-control.

Possibly considering the lesser of two evils, the apostle Paul was bold enough to say, “if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9, emphasis added). He was not teaching that uncontrolled lust constitutes God’s special permission to marry. He was acknowledging that if you truly believe God is calling you to a life of physical intimacy, then don’t fight it. Better to marry than to be burning with passion. Celibacy is simply not for you! However, don’t be in too big of a hurry.

Biblically speaking, waiting is a form of worship. It expresses your strongest hope in the timing of God (Psalm 37:3-7; Isaiah 40:27-31). While you wait for His will to unfold concerning a marriage partner you have a major life lesson to learn: self-control. It is one of the qualities the indwelling Holy Spirit is continually seeking to develop in you (Galatians 5:22-23). Frankly, it is an attribute that is fundamental to success in every area of life, whether in the home, the community, the workplace, or in the church. It is also a major life skill you want to have in your life and the life of a potential marriage partner! Learn it well. When it comes to wanting sexual intimacy just say, “No, not yet! I’m waiting for God’s perfect timing.”

ALARM #5 – God is calling you to immediate Christian service.

To some, singleness feels more like a closed door than a divine opportunity. However, that same divinely created drive for sexual fulfillment produces specific energy in a single person that can be rightly used in very effective Christian service. In fact, the apostle Paul describes the spiritual and ministerial advantages of being single:

But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate, and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

Whereas I thank God for the holy distraction that marriage and family bring to those He calls to be married, I also praise the Lord for the many undistracted single servants of God who are free to serve in the local church and in other ministries around the world.

As a pastor, I have observed that the degree to which a single person backs off from Christian service, to that degree his sexual frustration increases. Conversely, the degree to which a married person backs off from his responsibility to be effective in his marriage and family, to that degree his Christian service is negatively affected.

Single people, when the sexual passions flare up, don’t suppress them. Get busy serving the Lord. Your God-given desire for unity can be expressed and fulfilled in effective service and undistracted devotion to Christ.

ALARM #6 – God is calling you to learn to build intimate relationships.

If the truth were told by those who promote this new wave of disconnection, jumping from one meaningless relationship to another is actually very empty. Almighty God created us for much more. In His wisdom He gave each of us a sex drive (a desire for oneness) to stimulate a desire for more substantial relationships.

In the Hebrew language of the Old Testament there are different words that refer to varying levels of friendship. More than word studies, these provide practical insights as we seek to develop life-long friendships, whether single or married.

Level 1: The Casual Acquaintance (Hebrew: rea’)

You shall love your neighbor (“acquaintance,” Hebrew: rea’) as yourself (Leviticus 19:18).

Unless we live on some remote island, our lives are filled with people- sightings. Most of us could list hundreds of neighbors, fellow students, co- workers, and others we would consider casual friends or, at least, passing acquaintances. Think of the people on this planet we have yet to meet— about seven billion of them! And whatever number of people God allows to come directly into our path deserve to be loved and valued as He has loved and valued us. As we learn to love all our neighbors in such a way, God singles out some of those relationships to go even deeper.

Level 2: The Sacrificial Friend (Hebrew: ’ahab)

Contrary to what many think, popularity—i.e. being stuck in an endless pile of Level 1 casual relationships, is a dead end street. King Solomon’s observation in Proverbs 18:24 is sadly true:

A man of too many friends (i.e. “acquaintances,” Hebrew: rea’) comes to ruin (i.e. “shattered or broken,” Hebrew: ra’a), But there is a friend (i.e. “a loving friend,” Hebrew: ’ahab) who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

Without a deeper emotional connection with others our lives become shattered and broken. Who among us has not felt a sense of loneliness, even in a stadium with 30,000 sports fans? We develop more meaningful relationships with our neighbors (i.e. our casual friends) by taking the time to learn their likes, dislikes, values, and dreams. This information then allows us to make our own self-sacrificial decisions regarding how to best meet their needs, thus treating them as more important than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). When they do the same we move from being casual acquaintances to being sacrificial friends “that stick closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Besides bringing greater fulfillment to our lives, these relationships prepare us for the most intimate level of friendship, the trusted companion.

Level 3: The Trusted Companion (Hebrew: chaber)

[Your wife] is your companion (i.e. “guide,” Hebrew: chabereth) and your wife by covenant (Malachi 2:14).

This is the level of inter-personal relationships that speaks of being knit together as trusted companions and guides. In modern terms, these are fellow life coaches who are committed to each other’s growth. Obviously, this kind of relationship certainly does not happen quickly. It is the fruit of long-term love and loyalty that produces a true and lasting companionship. These are also the intimate friendships that cause the greatest joy or, if broken, the greatest heartache. Real chaber friendships are rare but attainable. In fact, they are the goal.

I read many years ago that the ancient wedding vows of a Jewish couple, even those whose marriages were arranged, contained a promise to continue the life-long work required to become a chaber, a trusted companion.

What has this to do with the driving passions of our libido? Each of us is created with a God-given vacuum for authentic intimacy with God and our fellow humans. The sex drive is a call to learn how to effectively develop relationships from fact-finding, loving acquaintances (rea’) to self-sacrificial friends (’ahab) and, ultimately, to trusted companions and life coaches (chaber). Certainly these are lessons that need to be learned prior to marriage. So, when the alarm sounds, go build a friendship, one level at a time.

ALARM #7 – God is calling you to a life of contentment.

Loneliness breeds a gnawing restlessness that can consume; an unrelenting vacuum that seems to never fill. It is truly the disease of emptiness that can attack any of us whether we are married or single, male or female, young believer or mature saint. Even the apostle Paul honestly admitted his seasons of loneliness (2 Timothy 1:4). He also shared the secret of his contentment, no matter what happened in his life. I have added my thoughts as to what I believe he is saying:

Not that I speak from want (God has provided all my needs), for I have learned to be content (strong enough to stand alone)3 in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means (in the hard times), and I also know how to live in prosperity (in the easy times); in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry (being empty), both of having abundance and suffering need. (And here’s the secret, the key to contentment) I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13).

I appreciate Dr. John MacArthur’s exhortation to singles. Frankly, it’s a good reminder to us married folks, as well:

The message of 1 Corinthians 7 is that those who possess God’s special care for singleness will be happier if they remain single, and all others will be happier if they marry as God leads. Marriage does not prevent great devotion to Christ, nor does singleness guarantee it, but by definition it is easier for a single person to be singleminded in the things of the Lord. Perhaps God will call or has called you to experience “the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). Perhaps He will not spare you “trouble in this life” (1 Cor. 7:28). Whatever your situation, be content to remain as you are—a point Paul makes four separate times in 1 Corinthians 7 (vv. 17, 20, 24, 26)—all the while doing your best to serve God and His people in this life. The bonds of love you cultivate now will spill over to perfection in the next life.4

Stop trying to find ways to sidestep the alarms. When the passions fire up, realize:

• God is calling you to walk in oneness with Him—today!
• God is calling you to walk in oneness with fellow Christians—today!
• God is calling you to pray regarding your marital future—today!
• God is calling you to learn self-control—today!
• God is calling you to immediate Christian service—today!
• God is calling you to learn how to build intimate relationships—today!
• God is calling you to a life of contentment—today!

Do this today and God will take care of tomorrow. Be comforted by the words of Jesus: “So do not be anxious for tomorrow” (Matthew 6:34). Your singleness, whether temporary or permanent, is a tremendous gift to the body of Christ. Even more so, it is God’s gift to you. Thank Him for it—today!

A WORD ABOUT DATING

There are many fine books about the moral cautions that need to be taken should you decide to date.  Some have chosen the road of courtship rather than dating. 5  Having raised three daughters and many foster-children, I can assure you of the need for clear guidelines.  Fail to plan and you truly are planning to fail.

Rather than list my own guidelines, I want to share those I gleaned from Randy Alcorn’s book, The Purity Principle.  Frankly, they are strikingly similar to the ones I used with my daughters and foster-daughters.

Heed these words, not just from two shepherds, but from two concerned and experienced fathers.  In fact, I suggest you post them on your mirror and review them every time you are preparing to go out with someone of the opposite sex, whether you call it a date or not:

• If you’re a Christian, date only Christians (see 2 Corinthians 6:14).
• If you’re a committed disciple, date only committed disciples.
• Christ is with you all evening—wherever you go and whatever you do.
• Remember your date is your brother or sister, not your “lover” (see 1 Timothy 5:1-2).
• Go out in groups, not alone.
• Focus on talk, not touch; conversation, not contact.
• Avoid fast-moving relationships or instant intimacy.
• Plan the entire evening in advance, with no gaps.
• Avoid set-ups—never be alone: on a couch, in a car late at night, in a house or bedroom.
• Be accountable to someone about your purity.
• Imagine your parents and church leaders are watching you through the window. God is watching (see Jeremiah 16:17).
• Don’t do anything with your date you wouldn’t want someone else doing with your future mate.
• Beware of the “moral wear down” of long dating relationships and long engagements.  Once young people and parents agree on marriage, it’s dangerous to wait longer than necessary (see 1 Corinthians 7:8-9). 6

End Notes:

1. Smedes, Sex for Christians, 34.
2. Terry Muck, Editor, Sins Of The Body: Ministry In A Sexual Society. Carol Stream, Illinois: Word, 1989, 22.
3. The word content (Greek: autarkes) gives the idea of being strong enough to stand alone.
4. John MacArthur Jr., Different By Design: Discovering God’s Will for Today’s Man and Woman. Wheaton, Illinois: Victor, 1994, 106.
5. I refer you to Josh Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Towards Relationships and Romance. Portland, Oregon: Multnomah, 1997.
6. Randy Alcorn, The Purity Principle: God’s Safeguards for Life’s Dangerous Trails. Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah, 2003, 71.